A beautiful essay! This is so well put, something I very much relate to:
"That’s not to say that the kids at school were mean to me. They weren’t. I wasn’t bullied or belittled. I was just there; more or less accepted, but never quite belonging."
Thank you, Katherine. As storytelling creatures, we gravitate to the extremes: tragic accounts of children who were relentlessly bullied and tormented by their peers. But just because somebody else suffered more doesn't mean that the pain of feeling unseen and worthless is insignificant. As Elie Wiesel put it, “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”
curiosity is almost the exact opposite of prejudice. To be intrigued by the ways in which another person is different from yourself is a beautiful, innocent thing
Mister Cellophane, perhaps that was true in your early days but you certainly stand out as a great writer, content creator, and thought provoker. Keep up the good work! Stay humble, stay honest and the rest will follow.
Many thanks, Brian. It's been said that "all of life is packed into childhood." I think there's something to that. You get to a certain point on your path, and you can't move forward without really taking stock of where you've been. My hope is that by sharing my own perspective, I can help other people more easily see their own.
secondin' the lovely com-mints! important ya put it all down, "warts & all"....
First, now livin' for the first time in mah entire life where "there ain't no gefilte aisle" in the groceries.... it's kind've a culcha shock. "It hoits." Seriously. I cannot grab a friend an' say, hey, so& so's doin' his yiddish stand up, let's go! (believe me non-joos are NOT interested except in one instance where mah gay pals could be dragged out when this one non-jooish gay yiddish performer Shane Baker (https://www.ajwnews.com/shane-baker/) who indeed is velly funny... wuz on stage. Nobuddy here would understand a "yen fer some appetizin' " Nobuddy else would RUN ta the Jewish Museum for the Florine Stettheimer show! Seein' "yer own" do an' do good is a thang...be it in concert, on stage, atta bookstore, etc.
All my life immersed in many "culcha's" (show biz, tho, was velly jooish in the city 'till recently), zo now it's really hard ta be among this alien crowd that cannot relate--they are (shall I say) paler in every way ha ha. Polite but reserved, far less worldly / bookschmart, able ta offer smiles a bit stingily--but not funny--they do not use gestures an' they are so dang QUIET! (Again, nice folks an' the settin's SO much safer than NYShitty-- but I'm really outta mah element!) NOTE: this is a velly WHite Christian rural crowd... back in NYShitty I had black & hispanic & asian friends not at all like this...
Here'bouts EVEN in the college towns where they're a bit more "blue" an' more culturally aware, they think mah freewheelin' kids are nuts (though they like 'em). It's all so reserved (an' patient!). Zo.... I DO miss livin' amongst mah own (never imagined gittin' outta Dodge!) an' NEVER wuz it ONLY with mah tribe, never "only" with (not like Hasidim) --but just knowin' there's a kindred soul in spittin' distance (not literally!), that they were part of my world...made a bigger diff than I ever knew--now livin' NOT among mah peepull. As Joni sang, ya don't know what'cha got 'til it's gone....
NOW I kin feel some a yer own (past) pain livin' as an alien growin' up in the South (perhaps kinda like how ya grew up Alex?) it's hard ta be the odd man out. That ya kept yer chewish identity in such a pickle (ha!) is notable (a mitzvah really) as I'm SURE it would'a been easier ta pretend...ya warn't.
I hadda great great uncle from "Looville" Kentucky! Hiz father had the dry goods/suit store there--BRILLIANT fellow....whip smart (journalist) an' soonz he could he got outta town & headed east, never looked back but he RESENTED that his jooishness had set 'im apart. He was tiny (5'5 at most?), round glasses, a jooish Orville Redenbacher, down ta the center parted well oiled hair--black as coal. Dressed like Colonel Sanders (white suit), always impeccable. Stood out like a sore thumb...
Likely he gotta lotta anti-semitism (that you were lucky ta have been spared) but my uncle (great great uncle) got bitter from growin' up the outlier. GermanJoo (a bit've an intellectual snob but funny as all git-out) he totally rejected his faith an' hated that he wuz singled out fer it growin' up in KY with "few" like 'im. Yet he spoke Yiddish as well as German an' got his first job writin' feature stories in Yiddish (oh the irony). 'Cept fer for our close fam (includin' his tee-riffic wife, my gran's best friend an' favorite auntie!), he had zero jooish friends. Kept it hush hush. His daughters became famous (as did one'a his gran'children) BUT havin' grown up faith-free, they embraced the Episcopal Church in adulthood feelin' disconnected without any sense of WHO they were. SAD. Funny tale of the grandaughter (who is now mah age); she full out galled her mama by marryin' a jooish fella an' havin' a jooish weddin' thereby "sendin' the fam. inta near-shock & shame, back to the schtetl!"-- This daughter wuz livin' in Greenwich, CT hidin' her origins an' all her kids suffered fer a few generations due ta the turrible experience my uncle had with Southern antisemitism, livin' not among his lansmen so distrustin' 'em, an' bein' 'round nobuddy "like him" so unable ta appreciate. They were temple members but the congregation wuz more like a minyon! HOW ya managed Alex is a testy-mint ta yer OWN character AN' that've yer parents who clearly wanted ya ta say jooish.
Bein' a city gal from Motown & later Manhattan I soitenly had a lotta black friends... but joos were not "aliens" ta them either.
I DID have one year as the outlier joo... when they bussed in a 'different" kind of black kids inta our mixed middle class neib (I'll say it frankly--tough getto kids) the bloodbath wuz awful. These non-learners stabbed my good friend's lil' brother in the back (pen knife but still) an' burnt another friend with cigarettes in the girls bathroom (traumatizin' her an' scarrin' her badly). SO mah mama yanked me an stuck me in a fawncy waspy privit skool (we had a relative foot the bill!) in JudenFrei "Grosse Pointe" famous (even today) for not lettin' joos move there, for white supremacy "rallies"--I mean WASPY warn't the woid fer it BUT they let me in (many years before they'd let Gilda Radner in too! I sold clothes ta her aunt Belle!) Outta my element...the ONLY joo in the class, I got chased down, called Christ Killer, an' scolded by my teacher fer bringin' in a menorah ta show in tell b/c I brought this upon myself b/c "otherwise they would not have known your were Jewish." Y'ouch! So yup, I spent one skool year kinda like yer entire childhood BUT on Sundays I still saw my jooish friends (big diff) at Sunday skool, on Saturdays I had dance & swim at the Jewish center--which was WONDERFUL! (includin' the buttered bialy's the kind altecockers "survivors" workin' there would give us -- they zo loved the kinder!).
So my skool experience fer one "velly interestin' year" an' now my livin' in a near-total judenfrei settin'--gives me a semblance of yer childhood Alex. Sounds a lot like limbo
Of COURSE I do believe that sharin' our many affections fer each other, kindnesses, the gift of bein' human 2gether--is SO important! Color-blind, faith-blaind, all've that. But it's heartache ta not live amongst yer own... I feel fer ya an' it's a testy-mint ta yer "neshama" ya navigated such a situation an' came up still knowin' "who ya are" at a time where so many gave up (includin' in my own fam, as shared)
PS jooish summer camp wuz the BEST than evah... this too let me know WHO I waz... an' it was also way more fun than temple! Chai-ly recommended fer younger generations...sumthin' I kinda regret NOT doin' fer my "goils"... Sumthin' in shared humor & kulcha that should not be lost (imho). Plus in college only my jooish pals wanted ta listen ta Brooks & Reiner's 2000 Year Old Man on repeat! (An' yes, The Barry Sisters! that's part'a the soundtrack to mah childhood lol)
Thanks for the thoughtful comments, Daisy. I'm sorry your great-uncle in KY had a bad time growing up. Generally speaking, there has been much less antisemitism in the South than in other regions. Or, at least, virulent antisemitism. The attitude, especially in small towns, is often, "Yeah, he's a Jew, but he's OUR Jew." Many communities, especially in the Carolinas, had prominent Jewish citizens - often shop-owners, but even mayors and other civic leaders. Solomon Cohen was elected mayor of Georgetown, South Carolina, in 1818, decades before Jews were elected in New Jersey and Washington.
Say what you will about the Confederacy, but openly Jewish Judah P. Benjamin served as Attorney General, Secretary of War, and Secretary of State. It wasn't until 1906 when Oscar Strauss, as Secretary of Commerce, became the first Jew in the US Cabinet. Even the violently racist first-generation Klan originally didn't express much anti-Jewish (or anti-Catholic) sentiment. Their focus was on opposing Reconstruction and maintaining white control of government. At that time, "not regular white" was good enough, although of course that changed when the KKK re-emerged in the 1920 with an umbrella of hatred spread wide enough to include everyone who wasn't a white Protestant.
So, in my case, it wasn't really external factors that kept me isolated; it was more a function of the way I was brought up and my own personality. There was a Jewish community here, but my family wasn't part of it. My parents - especially my dad - were not "joiners," and when given the opportunity to make connections (as during bar mitzvah prep, I didn't really do anything to take advantage of it.
yup...'twas my great great uncle so he was born 'round 1908! I'll add that IF there wuzza jooish community in LooVille back in the day (perhaps there was!), he felt ashamed of any less "assimilated" non-German joos--a velly "Leopoldstadt" kinda guy that wanted ta fit in (tho' sadly his stature an' looks'd make him stand out anyway!)...I understand the fambly biz wuz successful thar... but perhaps he sawr a glass ceiling in the social realm when connoiterin' with the locals? Surely he also felt above hangin' out with E. Euro "transplants" not so assimilated---so yes, part of it was hiz own doin'... So in a diff. way he too grew up "apart."
Then again there wuz always "mistrust" against jooish biznesses. Not too long ago a homeschool mama (not knowin' I wuz "of da tribe") showed some of us a nize pair of gold earrin's she got for a good price on a visit ta "the city" (NYShitty).... but added, "well I think it's 14K...I mean you never know with jews"--foller'd by a "knowin' look" -- I said nuttin'--'t'warnt the time/place but it's that kinda thing my great great uncle might've felt with his fam in retail...
I'm in touch with hiz gran' kids, mah cousins, every so often an' one confessed ta me that when he dated a jooish girl in college, much ta his mama's chagrin, his gran' (my aunt kate/gittle by birth--wife of the LooVille "shirker"-- ta reference Whoville lol...) took him aside an' secretly whispered in his ear (I LIKE this one! sssh!).
I'm glad whatever resent-mint an' anti-semitism my otherwise dear great great uncle experienced wuz not so common! Hard fer we northernerz ta gitta handle on the South!
That said, I'm a yuge FAN of the South tho'! Lordly just look at mah pen name an' how I'm a writin'! (this ain't mah only charackteur by far but it's one I'm velly fond of!). Southern writers, southern moosick, kulcha!--all my cuppa mint tea ( an' I know that both Elvis & Louis Armstrong had strong ties with helpful jooish famblies... I hate that folks got ta takin' down symbols of the south--hewin' the nayshun inta 2 again!--I'm with Jubillation T Cornpone!
Now I knew'bout Judah Benjamin but not about the towns embracin' "their" jews per what'cha described. Never hoid of Solomon Cohen fer example! Also didn't know 'bout "da Klan" not includin' joos in their early screeds... quite interestin'--I jus' figgered how they dun Jacob Frank wuz "da norm"--a full mistrust....hushed libels, all that...
In "Mishegas" (my humble beginnin's in Mitten Lund), a lotta the autoworkers were from the South--black & white. They had kind, genteel wayz the locals lacked. Seen the same later in Harlem with some'a the elderly southern transplants in the black community... polite, kind, all dressed up on Sunday fer church--VELLY diff. attitude. None of this chip on the shoulder stuff... got along with whites jus' fine. So many of us "northernerz" were sold a bill of goods that the South treats blacks & joos so shamefully. The "No Blacks or Jews / No Jews or Dogs" signs were not jus' a Southern thang either!
My fam were not "joiners" either in many ways either BUT Temple wuz important an' only now do I see why... my gran' wuz the rabbi's secretary fer a time so there was a strong filial association too--as wuz "helpin' out" (collectin' fer hadassa, goin' ta sit shiva if a gal in the "sisterhood" had a loss....etc). But bein' just in the milieu or havin' others "like" around...wuz a comfort. My girls got ZO much "kulcha" an' grew up 'round joos all the time--but there's a couple gaps I'd've filled now knowin' what I know now... live 'an learn.
But like I said, ya seemed ta navigate it well, managed ta know WHO Y'A ARE (mazel tov!) an' didn't turn out like my greatgreatUncle the wasp-wannabee with hiz own chip.... (Oddly, he wuz an ardent zionist tho....) Anyhoo... there is sumthin' ta say for havin' access at least--not bein' the "only" one... or made ta feel like it. It's like a comfy sweater...you can put it on the back of yer chair but if a chill fills the air...ya wanna put it on. Now I'm in chilly terry-tory an' sans sweater but bein' "of a soiten age" it affects me less...
Don't blame yerself for not doin' much at 13 ta connect.... oy, who'd ask fer that? I hadda cherce--getta "bas mitzvah" or see sum' B'way Shows an' git dinner at The Russian Tea Room (warn't $ fer both, zo I took the latter choice--no regrets thar!)
I think that no matter whut circumstances it's HARD ta be the odd-man-out, specially when yer a young'un.
Bein' of a more "ahrtistical" / outlier /non-compliant nature I had no patience fer girl "cliques," pop-u-LAIRitty 'er most of the borin' stuff like intramural sports (bane've my existence!) so I stood out anyhow an' got bullied fer it anywayz-- it's gotta be wurse now!
THANKFULLY there's a lotta CHEWS in thee-ate-'er an' they are (used ta be!) a tolerant bunch...an' cuz've that I found friends Italian, Irish, Gay, an' a few born wacky wasps ta boot.... all appreciative of the same stuff more 'er less... so all this ta say it helps ta have some connection an' ta know who ya are... an' some of those early ties are kinda like old muscle mem'ry--that give a bit of strength!
Curious--did yer own experience affect yer parentin' cherces? Even as a "non joiner" did ja seek out more connections fer yer kiddos? (Also...I sense that with each generation post-immigration navigatin' became easier! dunno if yer folks came from USSR but a lotta my Russian friends came here very tentative 'bout their jooishness an' it took a "lang time" fer them ta settle inta it--an' trust the USA...an' know they did NOT have ta pocket the leftovers lol!)
Ah yes, you've touched on some delicate nerves there.
The monuments are extremely controversial. Many of them didn't go up until the Jim Crow era, when they served as an explicit reminder of who was still in charge. It's a complex issue that defies a one-size-fits-all solution.
Some of the statues represent legitimate history, and to approach all of them with a Marxist iconoclasm would be wrong. On the other hand, after Germany lost World War II, they took down the monuments that glorified the former regime. Many Southern scholars bristle indignantly at the comparison, but that's exactly how a lot of people see it.
Personally, as I said, I reject any reductive approach. Valid emotions run too hot on both sides. Compromises that seem to work reasonably well include placing plaques by the statues that explain some of the historical context, or moving the statues from central public spaces to areas designated for historical interest. I don't think there's a perfect solution.
As for the "well-mannered black folks" ... Some of that may have been Southern charm, but a lot of it was probably residual trauma. When polite and respectful behavior is enforced with a whip or a fist, it tends to become a habit that's hard to break, even if circumstances change.
As for my family - yes, Eastern Bloc immigrants. I come by my mistrust of authority and anti-Communist fervor honestly. 😆
figgered... most'a my fam came here escapin' the Tzar (from Lida,Vilna, Kherson, Minsk lol--a few "chermans")-- just a lot earlier so they missed Soviet Hell but instead experienced full out terror... so the traumas AN' mistrust of our fam's are passed down even when manage ta get "pest it" (not cursin' lol!)
The mistrust I got--sawr it in my friends whose fams came later--but I think some'a dat "mistrust" stayed... we converted it inta "sechel!"
no no, it warn't only well-mannered "black folks" or sum kinda subservience...-- sumthin' I saw in Southern white ones too! includin' my Kentucy greatgreat Uncle.... It's a sense of bein' a "host" or a neighbor.... wavin' hi, greetin'.... mindin' yer manners!
Nope, what I'm takin' ain't from trauma (whip, fist, otherwise which is all anathema ta me too!) Nope I mean an ability ta see past the past an' be equal (not that step''n'fetchit stuff)--an' not play any cards (racial or otherwise). We had "Taylor Tucky" which was like an entire Southern section of B&W folks all workin' at the autoplants ('til they shut 'em all down). All with the same good manners even tho we're talkin' blue collar thar!
Wuther white 'er black, po' or well-ta-do, there's a way ya greet folks (even if just a howdy) there's a host/hostess sense that many northerners lack. It's the come sit down, what kin I git 'cha. I DO like it an' it's more "southern hospitality" but it ain't fake... anywhoo, I feel that folks would'a gotten beyond a lotta racial tensions if they warn't goaded... ironically when I wuz growin' up, the racial tension seemed ta be from the outside, my black friends didn't give a hoot I wuz white an' vice versa... but we all could'a used some southern charm! it's a real thang!
(on the totally oppysite end'a the spectrum we newyawkers are told we're 'specially rude an' that gits mah goat too! we do talk fast tho!)
Re the statues--in NYShitty they went nutso mckooko takin' off 1903 subway tiles that had an X on them an' seemed confederate even' tho they warn't... so many statues taken down here... No of course no take is perfect but I'm not fer removin' monuments--I'm all fer plaques an' fer updatin' them as needed (more info). A plaque or info stand kin lead folks ta understand history better, no erasin' ain't good. If that means a tyrant stands so be it. Takin' the name "Lincoln" off skools? Nix.
Sad ta say the mooseeum of Nat. Hist'ry took down a statue of it's founder Teddy Roosevelt...lovely one too.... I'm not fer movin' hidin' or erasin'... just addin' info that's helpful an' is not afraid to address controversy. (Statues mebbe bronz but ALL these "great men"--had feet've clay!)
The USA is still (supposedly lol) a democratic republic...so all figures good, bad, ugly kin be studied within context...
Perhaps once a nation has a full identity change (eg. USSR to Russia again) it's different but I hope "Lenin" warn't melted down an' did git put in a mooseeum sumwharz in Moscow! I hope any Jacobin statues also didn't suffer the same fate. (The ahrtwerk's still in the Louvre! One era's tyrant is an'nuther's hero.... an' if they mess with Mt. Rushmore I'm done!
👏🏽 tho' we homeschooled I got waaaay more involved than my ma's "leave it ta the expurts" attytude... I organized field trips, shows with discount tix, all sorts'a fun stuff so my kiddos had a sense of belongin' an later same with the performance world... We kin live/think independently, live "apart" an' yet still be a part of stuff that means much! (yup, many thangs we all larned from our parents includin' what mebbe NOT ta do lol!)
ps no need ta reply 't'all mah commints Alex--enjoyed the chat--funny how many folks arrive at the same train platform from all "pernts" N, S... E&W too an' end up (on Substack no less!) tryin' ta figger out how thangs got so discombooberated in the 21st C.... an' how the USA is now lookin' more 'n more like the places our famblies left! (oy) Also didn't talk 'bout yer title, but I still dunno if ve choos are "white" 'er not but I don't like at'all that it mattahs... never a fan've checkboxes...
From posts I have made, I think you may know that my experiences are not so different from yours. However, it is not for an obviously possible reason, as I was a white boy Christian boy in an all white Christian town. However, I was a transplant from upstate. I did not speak the same dialect of our common language nor attend the same church as my classmates. In fact, my parents drove us 20 miles one way to the nearest church of our denomination.
As I right this, memories bubble up. I was outcast. My surname is of German origin, prompting my classmates to “Sieg Heil” me, which I took offense to. One, because many of those engaging in this were themselves of German decent, and worse, my paternal grandfather served in the navy in WW2 to end that evil. I was and never have been ashamed of my German heritage, though. My family left the fatherland long before that evil stalked the land.
What I believe we do have in common and what may be the bigger reason behind how we were treated is that we were not from where we grew up. Our religions and ancestry just the proxy for anti outsider sentiment.
You may well have returned the favor by helping others out and not known it. Though I must admit, I am going out on a limb here for I cannot say for certain I understand the situation. This is so difficult to put to words for if incorrect, it may be insulting to some and I do not wish to be. The opposite actually.
The county we moved to just before I started 1st grade was 100% white. I grew up hearing racists jokes, which I never repeated, and pollock jokes, which I did even though I am at least 25% Polish. In the navy, I grew fairly close to a number of my black shipmates, which by comparison, meant very close, for I was the outsider here too and kept and was kept an arm’s length away from most. I remember a DC 1 I had the utmost respect for who protected me from a malicious charge that did his career no favors to get involved with. More than one officer of that race who I encouraged me to try for a commissioning program and many others who took their time to assist and mentor this poor white boy. This treatment was not unique to them but they outnumbered all others.
One of my best friends in college and ranking among my all time best friends is a man of color who honored me by asking me to render to him his first salute at his ROTC commissioning ceremony. His father, another who attempted to mentor me, is another I greatly respect.
So too here in Japan. One of my best bosses I have ever worked for is a man of color. One of my best friends in Japan as well, though sadly he died of a heart attack several years ago, before the panic.
This is not to say that all my friends nor and all my closest friends are of color for that is not the case. If it were, it may indicate something other than what I am trying to get to. None of this did I ever think as odd, extraordinary nor out of place until it was mentioned to me. And mentioned it was from time to time. Why though? Why did so many who do not look like me, who had very different backgrounds and experiences treat me so? The closest I came to being told was that I did not treat them differently than I treated others. From this I gather, to people who are constantly treated differently, simply being treated no different has a profound effect. From what you wrote here, it seems to me that you, as I, treated them no differently and that be what made all the difference.
As far as the South goes, I am a true blue northerner and was somewhat apprehensive of working for the NPS in the Deep South before starting at my secured job in Japan. The reason for this apprehension is that I had, at the time, a black girl friend who I hoped would visit while I was down there and I worried how the locals would react. As you must know, a completely ignorant concern on my part. The south is full of black-white couples. Married and otherwise. At least Mississippi was. Far, far, far more than I saw up north. I actually laughed out loud at this at the time. Great learning opportunity for me. I know it was not always that way. One of my local friends had had a cross burnt in their yard when he was young because his family hosted a colored family for Thanksgiving. Before the end of the civil war put force behind the Emaciation Proclamation, his family owned slaves. They must have been quite kind to them for the descendants of both slave holders and slaves have been close ever since and had for years celebrated Thanksgiving together until someone took offense to it.
Back to my ROTC college buddy. He was from the South, I do not recall from where. His parents both doctors. I asked him how he felt about the “Confederate flag”. He answered, “Oooh! That’s a hard one. On the one hand, it’s home. Grandma’s cooking, running through creeks barefoot, and all the other things kids do in the rural south. Then there is the burnt cross we found in our yard after returning from dinning out that told us it was time to leave.”
Sorry for another long reply. Your posts are most thought provoking, for which I thank you.
Thank you for sharing your own experience. The long reply is great! Like you, I've recently shifted from posts that focus primarily on general interest topics to more personal writing. I'm doing this for a couple of reasons, but the main one is that there are a lot of people who write about culture, psychology, technology, and the other subjects I tend to focus on. However, I'm the only one who can write about my own lived experience. Therefore, if I can use my own anecdotes to illustrate or explore larger concepts, I can actually be more effective as a writer (or, at least, my goal of a writer, which is to share what I've found to be true with people who are looking for truth).
A beautiful essay! This is so well put, something I very much relate to:
"That’s not to say that the kids at school were mean to me. They weren’t. I wasn’t bullied or belittled. I was just there; more or less accepted, but never quite belonging."
Thank you, Katherine. As storytelling creatures, we gravitate to the extremes: tragic accounts of children who were relentlessly bullied and tormented by their peers. But just because somebody else suffered more doesn't mean that the pain of feeling unseen and worthless is insignificant. As Elie Wiesel put it, “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”
From personal experience, being "regular white" is no guarantee of fitting in either.
I believe you. I'm not sure anything guarantees it.
For a minute there, I thought you were going to start the blame game, but you didn't. Well played.
Many thanks. I'm glad you noticed what I did there. 😊
Society at large needs to read this.
curiosity is almost the exact opposite of prejudice. To be intrigued by the ways in which another person is different from yourself is a beautiful, innocent thing
Thanks, Glen. As kids, we see things for what they are, because we're looking.
True.
Agreed.
Mister Cellophane, perhaps that was true in your early days but you certainly stand out as a great writer, content creator, and thought provoker. Keep up the good work! Stay humble, stay honest and the rest will follow.
Many thanks, Brian. It's been said that "all of life is packed into childhood." I think there's something to that. You get to a certain point on your path, and you can't move forward without really taking stock of where you've been. My hope is that by sharing my own perspective, I can help other people more easily see their own.
secondin' the lovely com-mints! important ya put it all down, "warts & all"....
First, now livin' for the first time in mah entire life where "there ain't no gefilte aisle" in the groceries.... it's kind've a culcha shock. "It hoits." Seriously. I cannot grab a friend an' say, hey, so& so's doin' his yiddish stand up, let's go! (believe me non-joos are NOT interested except in one instance where mah gay pals could be dragged out when this one non-jooish gay yiddish performer Shane Baker (https://www.ajwnews.com/shane-baker/) who indeed is velly funny... wuz on stage. Nobuddy here would understand a "yen fer some appetizin' " Nobuddy else would RUN ta the Jewish Museum for the Florine Stettheimer show! Seein' "yer own" do an' do good is a thang...be it in concert, on stage, atta bookstore, etc.
All my life immersed in many "culcha's" (show biz, tho, was velly jooish in the city 'till recently), zo now it's really hard ta be among this alien crowd that cannot relate--they are (shall I say) paler in every way ha ha. Polite but reserved, far less worldly / bookschmart, able ta offer smiles a bit stingily--but not funny--they do not use gestures an' they are so dang QUIET! (Again, nice folks an' the settin's SO much safer than NYShitty-- but I'm really outta mah element!) NOTE: this is a velly WHite Christian rural crowd... back in NYShitty I had black & hispanic & asian friends not at all like this...
Here'bouts EVEN in the college towns where they're a bit more "blue" an' more culturally aware, they think mah freewheelin' kids are nuts (though they like 'em). It's all so reserved (an' patient!). Zo.... I DO miss livin' amongst mah own (never imagined gittin' outta Dodge!) an' NEVER wuz it ONLY with mah tribe, never "only" with (not like Hasidim) --but just knowin' there's a kindred soul in spittin' distance (not literally!), that they were part of my world...made a bigger diff than I ever knew--now livin' NOT among mah peepull. As Joni sang, ya don't know what'cha got 'til it's gone....
NOW I kin feel some a yer own (past) pain livin' as an alien growin' up in the South (perhaps kinda like how ya grew up Alex?) it's hard ta be the odd man out. That ya kept yer chewish identity in such a pickle (ha!) is notable (a mitzvah really) as I'm SURE it would'a been easier ta pretend...ya warn't.
I hadda great great uncle from "Looville" Kentucky! Hiz father had the dry goods/suit store there--BRILLIANT fellow....whip smart (journalist) an' soonz he could he got outta town & headed east, never looked back but he RESENTED that his jooishness had set 'im apart. He was tiny (5'5 at most?), round glasses, a jooish Orville Redenbacher, down ta the center parted well oiled hair--black as coal. Dressed like Colonel Sanders (white suit), always impeccable. Stood out like a sore thumb...
Likely he gotta lotta anti-semitism (that you were lucky ta have been spared) but my uncle (great great uncle) got bitter from growin' up the outlier. GermanJoo (a bit've an intellectual snob but funny as all git-out) he totally rejected his faith an' hated that he wuz singled out fer it growin' up in KY with "few" like 'im. Yet he spoke Yiddish as well as German an' got his first job writin' feature stories in Yiddish (oh the irony). 'Cept fer for our close fam (includin' his tee-riffic wife, my gran's best friend an' favorite auntie!), he had zero jooish friends. Kept it hush hush. His daughters became famous (as did one'a his gran'children) BUT havin' grown up faith-free, they embraced the Episcopal Church in adulthood feelin' disconnected without any sense of WHO they were. SAD. Funny tale of the grandaughter (who is now mah age); she full out galled her mama by marryin' a jooish fella an' havin' a jooish weddin' thereby "sendin' the fam. inta near-shock & shame, back to the schtetl!"-- This daughter wuz livin' in Greenwich, CT hidin' her origins an' all her kids suffered fer a few generations due ta the turrible experience my uncle had with Southern antisemitism, livin' not among his lansmen so distrustin' 'em, an' bein' 'round nobuddy "like him" so unable ta appreciate. They were temple members but the congregation wuz more like a minyon! HOW ya managed Alex is a testy-mint ta yer OWN character AN' that've yer parents who clearly wanted ya ta say jooish.
Bein' a city gal from Motown & later Manhattan I soitenly had a lotta black friends... but joos were not "aliens" ta them either.
I DID have one year as the outlier joo... when they bussed in a 'different" kind of black kids inta our mixed middle class neib (I'll say it frankly--tough getto kids) the bloodbath wuz awful. These non-learners stabbed my good friend's lil' brother in the back (pen knife but still) an' burnt another friend with cigarettes in the girls bathroom (traumatizin' her an' scarrin' her badly). SO mah mama yanked me an stuck me in a fawncy waspy privit skool (we had a relative foot the bill!) in JudenFrei "Grosse Pointe" famous (even today) for not lettin' joos move there, for white supremacy "rallies"--I mean WASPY warn't the woid fer it BUT they let me in (many years before they'd let Gilda Radner in too! I sold clothes ta her aunt Belle!) Outta my element...the ONLY joo in the class, I got chased down, called Christ Killer, an' scolded by my teacher fer bringin' in a menorah ta show in tell b/c I brought this upon myself b/c "otherwise they would not have known your were Jewish." Y'ouch! So yup, I spent one skool year kinda like yer entire childhood BUT on Sundays I still saw my jooish friends (big diff) at Sunday skool, on Saturdays I had dance & swim at the Jewish center--which was WONDERFUL! (includin' the buttered bialy's the kind altecockers "survivors" workin' there would give us -- they zo loved the kinder!).
So my skool experience fer one "velly interestin' year" an' now my livin' in a near-total judenfrei settin'--gives me a semblance of yer childhood Alex. Sounds a lot like limbo
Of COURSE I do believe that sharin' our many affections fer each other, kindnesses, the gift of bein' human 2gether--is SO important! Color-blind, faith-blaind, all've that. But it's heartache ta not live amongst yer own... I feel fer ya an' it's a testy-mint ta yer "neshama" ya navigated such a situation an' came up still knowin' "who ya are" at a time where so many gave up (includin' in my own fam, as shared)
PS jooish summer camp wuz the BEST than evah... this too let me know WHO I waz... an' it was also way more fun than temple! Chai-ly recommended fer younger generations...sumthin' I kinda regret NOT doin' fer my "goils"... Sumthin' in shared humor & kulcha that should not be lost (imho). Plus in college only my jooish pals wanted ta listen ta Brooks & Reiner's 2000 Year Old Man on repeat! (An' yes, The Barry Sisters! that's part'a the soundtrack to mah childhood lol)
Thanks for the thoughtful comments, Daisy. I'm sorry your great-uncle in KY had a bad time growing up. Generally speaking, there has been much less antisemitism in the South than in other regions. Or, at least, virulent antisemitism. The attitude, especially in small towns, is often, "Yeah, he's a Jew, but he's OUR Jew." Many communities, especially in the Carolinas, had prominent Jewish citizens - often shop-owners, but even mayors and other civic leaders. Solomon Cohen was elected mayor of Georgetown, South Carolina, in 1818, decades before Jews were elected in New Jersey and Washington.
Say what you will about the Confederacy, but openly Jewish Judah P. Benjamin served as Attorney General, Secretary of War, and Secretary of State. It wasn't until 1906 when Oscar Strauss, as Secretary of Commerce, became the first Jew in the US Cabinet. Even the violently racist first-generation Klan originally didn't express much anti-Jewish (or anti-Catholic) sentiment. Their focus was on opposing Reconstruction and maintaining white control of government. At that time, "not regular white" was good enough, although of course that changed when the KKK re-emerged in the 1920 with an umbrella of hatred spread wide enough to include everyone who wasn't a white Protestant.
So, in my case, it wasn't really external factors that kept me isolated; it was more a function of the way I was brought up and my own personality. There was a Jewish community here, but my family wasn't part of it. My parents - especially my dad - were not "joiners," and when given the opportunity to make connections (as during bar mitzvah prep, I didn't really do anything to take advantage of it.
yup...'twas my great great uncle so he was born 'round 1908! I'll add that IF there wuzza jooish community in LooVille back in the day (perhaps there was!), he felt ashamed of any less "assimilated" non-German joos--a velly "Leopoldstadt" kinda guy that wanted ta fit in (tho' sadly his stature an' looks'd make him stand out anyway!)...I understand the fambly biz wuz successful thar... but perhaps he sawr a glass ceiling in the social realm when connoiterin' with the locals? Surely he also felt above hangin' out with E. Euro "transplants" not so assimilated---so yes, part of it was hiz own doin'... So in a diff. way he too grew up "apart."
Then again there wuz always "mistrust" against jooish biznesses. Not too long ago a homeschool mama (not knowin' I wuz "of da tribe") showed some of us a nize pair of gold earrin's she got for a good price on a visit ta "the city" (NYShitty).... but added, "well I think it's 14K...I mean you never know with jews"--foller'd by a "knowin' look" -- I said nuttin'--'t'warnt the time/place but it's that kinda thing my great great uncle might've felt with his fam in retail...
I'm in touch with hiz gran' kids, mah cousins, every so often an' one confessed ta me that when he dated a jooish girl in college, much ta his mama's chagrin, his gran' (my aunt kate/gittle by birth--wife of the LooVille "shirker"-- ta reference Whoville lol...) took him aside an' secretly whispered in his ear (I LIKE this one! sssh!).
I'm glad whatever resent-mint an' anti-semitism my otherwise dear great great uncle experienced wuz not so common! Hard fer we northernerz ta gitta handle on the South!
That said, I'm a yuge FAN of the South tho'! Lordly just look at mah pen name an' how I'm a writin'! (this ain't mah only charackteur by far but it's one I'm velly fond of!). Southern writers, southern moosick, kulcha!--all my cuppa mint tea ( an' I know that both Elvis & Louis Armstrong had strong ties with helpful jooish famblies... I hate that folks got ta takin' down symbols of the south--hewin' the nayshun inta 2 again!--I'm with Jubillation T Cornpone!
Now I knew'bout Judah Benjamin but not about the towns embracin' "their" jews per what'cha described. Never hoid of Solomon Cohen fer example! Also didn't know 'bout "da Klan" not includin' joos in their early screeds... quite interestin'--I jus' figgered how they dun Jacob Frank wuz "da norm"--a full mistrust....hushed libels, all that...
In "Mishegas" (my humble beginnin's in Mitten Lund), a lotta the autoworkers were from the South--black & white. They had kind, genteel wayz the locals lacked. Seen the same later in Harlem with some'a the elderly southern transplants in the black community... polite, kind, all dressed up on Sunday fer church--VELLY diff. attitude. None of this chip on the shoulder stuff... got along with whites jus' fine. So many of us "northernerz" were sold a bill of goods that the South treats blacks & joos so shamefully. The "No Blacks or Jews / No Jews or Dogs" signs were not jus' a Southern thang either!
My fam were not "joiners" either in many ways either BUT Temple wuz important an' only now do I see why... my gran' wuz the rabbi's secretary fer a time so there was a strong filial association too--as wuz "helpin' out" (collectin' fer hadassa, goin' ta sit shiva if a gal in the "sisterhood" had a loss....etc). But bein' just in the milieu or havin' others "like" around...wuz a comfort. My girls got ZO much "kulcha" an' grew up 'round joos all the time--but there's a couple gaps I'd've filled now knowin' what I know now... live 'an learn.
But like I said, ya seemed ta navigate it well, managed ta know WHO Y'A ARE (mazel tov!) an' didn't turn out like my greatgreatUncle the wasp-wannabee with hiz own chip.... (Oddly, he wuz an ardent zionist tho....) Anyhoo... there is sumthin' ta say for havin' access at least--not bein' the "only" one... or made ta feel like it. It's like a comfy sweater...you can put it on the back of yer chair but if a chill fills the air...ya wanna put it on. Now I'm in chilly terry-tory an' sans sweater but bein' "of a soiten age" it affects me less...
Don't blame yerself for not doin' much at 13 ta connect.... oy, who'd ask fer that? I hadda cherce--getta "bas mitzvah" or see sum' B'way Shows an' git dinner at The Russian Tea Room (warn't $ fer both, zo I took the latter choice--no regrets thar!)
I think that no matter whut circumstances it's HARD ta be the odd-man-out, specially when yer a young'un.
Bein' of a more "ahrtistical" / outlier /non-compliant nature I had no patience fer girl "cliques," pop-u-LAIRitty 'er most of the borin' stuff like intramural sports (bane've my existence!) so I stood out anyhow an' got bullied fer it anywayz-- it's gotta be wurse now!
THANKFULLY there's a lotta CHEWS in thee-ate-'er an' they are (used ta be!) a tolerant bunch...an' cuz've that I found friends Italian, Irish, Gay, an' a few born wacky wasps ta boot.... all appreciative of the same stuff more 'er less... so all this ta say it helps ta have some connection an' ta know who ya are... an' some of those early ties are kinda like old muscle mem'ry--that give a bit of strength!
Curious--did yer own experience affect yer parentin' cherces? Even as a "non joiner" did ja seek out more connections fer yer kiddos? (Also...I sense that with each generation post-immigration navigatin' became easier! dunno if yer folks came from USSR but a lotta my Russian friends came here very tentative 'bout their jooishness an' it took a "lang time" fer them ta settle inta it--an' trust the USA...an' know they did NOT have ta pocket the leftovers lol!)
Ah yes, you've touched on some delicate nerves there.
The monuments are extremely controversial. Many of them didn't go up until the Jim Crow era, when they served as an explicit reminder of who was still in charge. It's a complex issue that defies a one-size-fits-all solution.
Some of the statues represent legitimate history, and to approach all of them with a Marxist iconoclasm would be wrong. On the other hand, after Germany lost World War II, they took down the monuments that glorified the former regime. Many Southern scholars bristle indignantly at the comparison, but that's exactly how a lot of people see it.
Personally, as I said, I reject any reductive approach. Valid emotions run too hot on both sides. Compromises that seem to work reasonably well include placing plaques by the statues that explain some of the historical context, or moving the statues from central public spaces to areas designated for historical interest. I don't think there's a perfect solution.
As for the "well-mannered black folks" ... Some of that may have been Southern charm, but a lot of it was probably residual trauma. When polite and respectful behavior is enforced with a whip or a fist, it tends to become a habit that's hard to break, even if circumstances change.
As for my family - yes, Eastern Bloc immigrants. I come by my mistrust of authority and anti-Communist fervor honestly. 😆
figgered... most'a my fam came here escapin' the Tzar (from Lida,Vilna, Kherson, Minsk lol--a few "chermans")-- just a lot earlier so they missed Soviet Hell but instead experienced full out terror... so the traumas AN' mistrust of our fam's are passed down even when manage ta get "pest it" (not cursin' lol!)
The mistrust I got--sawr it in my friends whose fams came later--but I think some'a dat "mistrust" stayed... we converted it inta "sechel!"
no no, it warn't only well-mannered "black folks" or sum kinda subservience...-- sumthin' I saw in Southern white ones too! includin' my Kentucy greatgreat Uncle.... It's a sense of bein' a "host" or a neighbor.... wavin' hi, greetin'.... mindin' yer manners!
Nope, what I'm takin' ain't from trauma (whip, fist, otherwise which is all anathema ta me too!) Nope I mean an ability ta see past the past an' be equal (not that step''n'fetchit stuff)--an' not play any cards (racial or otherwise). We had "Taylor Tucky" which was like an entire Southern section of B&W folks all workin' at the autoplants ('til they shut 'em all down). All with the same good manners even tho we're talkin' blue collar thar!
Wuther white 'er black, po' or well-ta-do, there's a way ya greet folks (even if just a howdy) there's a host/hostess sense that many northerners lack. It's the come sit down, what kin I git 'cha. I DO like it an' it's more "southern hospitality" but it ain't fake... anywhoo, I feel that folks would'a gotten beyond a lotta racial tensions if they warn't goaded... ironically when I wuz growin' up, the racial tension seemed ta be from the outside, my black friends didn't give a hoot I wuz white an' vice versa... but we all could'a used some southern charm! it's a real thang!
(on the totally oppysite end'a the spectrum we newyawkers are told we're 'specially rude an' that gits mah goat too! we do talk fast tho!)
Re the statues--in NYShitty they went nutso mckooko takin' off 1903 subway tiles that had an X on them an' seemed confederate even' tho they warn't... so many statues taken down here... No of course no take is perfect but I'm not fer removin' monuments--I'm all fer plaques an' fer updatin' them as needed (more info). A plaque or info stand kin lead folks ta understand history better, no erasin' ain't good. If that means a tyrant stands so be it. Takin' the name "Lincoln" off skools? Nix.
Sad ta say the mooseeum of Nat. Hist'ry took down a statue of it's founder Teddy Roosevelt...lovely one too.... I'm not fer movin' hidin' or erasin'... just addin' info that's helpful an' is not afraid to address controversy. (Statues mebbe bronz but ALL these "great men"--had feet've clay!)
The USA is still (supposedly lol) a democratic republic...so all figures good, bad, ugly kin be studied within context...
Perhaps once a nation has a full identity change (eg. USSR to Russia again) it's different but I hope "Lenin" warn't melted down an' did git put in a mooseeum sumwharz in Moscow! I hope any Jacobin statues also didn't suffer the same fate. (The ahrtwerk's still in the Louvre! One era's tyrant is an'nuther's hero.... an' if they mess with Mt. Rushmore I'm done!
And yes, my experience did inform my parenting attitude. My kids have much more of a sense of community than I ever did.
👏🏽 tho' we homeschooled I got waaaay more involved than my ma's "leave it ta the expurts" attytude... I organized field trips, shows with discount tix, all sorts'a fun stuff so my kiddos had a sense of belongin' an later same with the performance world... We kin live/think independently, live "apart" an' yet still be a part of stuff that means much! (yup, many thangs we all larned from our parents includin' what mebbe NOT ta do lol!)
ps no need ta reply 't'all mah commints Alex--enjoyed the chat--funny how many folks arrive at the same train platform from all "pernts" N, S... E&W too an' end up (on Substack no less!) tryin' ta figger out how thangs got so discombooberated in the 21st C.... an' how the USA is now lookin' more 'n more like the places our famblies left! (oy) Also didn't talk 'bout yer title, but I still dunno if ve choos are "white" 'er not but I don't like at'all that it mattahs... never a fan've checkboxes...
From posts I have made, I think you may know that my experiences are not so different from yours. However, it is not for an obviously possible reason, as I was a white boy Christian boy in an all white Christian town. However, I was a transplant from upstate. I did not speak the same dialect of our common language nor attend the same church as my classmates. In fact, my parents drove us 20 miles one way to the nearest church of our denomination.
As I right this, memories bubble up. I was outcast. My surname is of German origin, prompting my classmates to “Sieg Heil” me, which I took offense to. One, because many of those engaging in this were themselves of German decent, and worse, my paternal grandfather served in the navy in WW2 to end that evil. I was and never have been ashamed of my German heritage, though. My family left the fatherland long before that evil stalked the land.
What I believe we do have in common and what may be the bigger reason behind how we were treated is that we were not from where we grew up. Our religions and ancestry just the proxy for anti outsider sentiment.
You may well have returned the favor by helping others out and not known it. Though I must admit, I am going out on a limb here for I cannot say for certain I understand the situation. This is so difficult to put to words for if incorrect, it may be insulting to some and I do not wish to be. The opposite actually.
The county we moved to just before I started 1st grade was 100% white. I grew up hearing racists jokes, which I never repeated, and pollock jokes, which I did even though I am at least 25% Polish. In the navy, I grew fairly close to a number of my black shipmates, which by comparison, meant very close, for I was the outsider here too and kept and was kept an arm’s length away from most. I remember a DC 1 I had the utmost respect for who protected me from a malicious charge that did his career no favors to get involved with. More than one officer of that race who I encouraged me to try for a commissioning program and many others who took their time to assist and mentor this poor white boy. This treatment was not unique to them but they outnumbered all others.
One of my best friends in college and ranking among my all time best friends is a man of color who honored me by asking me to render to him his first salute at his ROTC commissioning ceremony. His father, another who attempted to mentor me, is another I greatly respect.
So too here in Japan. One of my best bosses I have ever worked for is a man of color. One of my best friends in Japan as well, though sadly he died of a heart attack several years ago, before the panic.
This is not to say that all my friends nor and all my closest friends are of color for that is not the case. If it were, it may indicate something other than what I am trying to get to. None of this did I ever think as odd, extraordinary nor out of place until it was mentioned to me. And mentioned it was from time to time. Why though? Why did so many who do not look like me, who had very different backgrounds and experiences treat me so? The closest I came to being told was that I did not treat them differently than I treated others. From this I gather, to people who are constantly treated differently, simply being treated no different has a profound effect. From what you wrote here, it seems to me that you, as I, treated them no differently and that be what made all the difference.
As far as the South goes, I am a true blue northerner and was somewhat apprehensive of working for the NPS in the Deep South before starting at my secured job in Japan. The reason for this apprehension is that I had, at the time, a black girl friend who I hoped would visit while I was down there and I worried how the locals would react. As you must know, a completely ignorant concern on my part. The south is full of black-white couples. Married and otherwise. At least Mississippi was. Far, far, far more than I saw up north. I actually laughed out loud at this at the time. Great learning opportunity for me. I know it was not always that way. One of my local friends had had a cross burnt in their yard when he was young because his family hosted a colored family for Thanksgiving. Before the end of the civil war put force behind the Emaciation Proclamation, his family owned slaves. They must have been quite kind to them for the descendants of both slave holders and slaves have been close ever since and had for years celebrated Thanksgiving together until someone took offense to it.
Back to my ROTC college buddy. He was from the South, I do not recall from where. His parents both doctors. I asked him how he felt about the “Confederate flag”. He answered, “Oooh! That’s a hard one. On the one hand, it’s home. Grandma’s cooking, running through creeks barefoot, and all the other things kids do in the rural south. Then there is the burnt cross we found in our yard after returning from dinning out that told us it was time to leave.”
Sorry for another long reply. Your posts are most thought provoking, for which I thank you.
Thank you for sharing your own experience. The long reply is great! Like you, I've recently shifted from posts that focus primarily on general interest topics to more personal writing. I'm doing this for a couple of reasons, but the main one is that there are a lot of people who write about culture, psychology, technology, and the other subjects I tend to focus on. However, I'm the only one who can write about my own lived experience. Therefore, if I can use my own anecdotes to illustrate or explore larger concepts, I can actually be more effective as a writer (or, at least, my goal of a writer, which is to share what I've found to be true with people who are looking for truth).